The Truth Is…

I find myself searching for someone that will never be found.  I am looking for someone who is ambitious, happy, stable, loving, kind, a believer and follower of God.  Someone to compliment my rollercoaster life.  Someone to break bread with.  You know, a ride or die.  Someone with focus and goals.  This person has to fit MY ideal image in all of these areas.   This person has to understand all of the intricacies that make me who I am. 

I have searched from coast to coast, looking for my ideal person.  While on the road I found an abuser, a recluse, and an imposter.  While it is easy to give these individuals a title and be judgmental of who they are, the truth is the person with the real issues is me.  The truth is by searching I am going outside of myself to find something that I have made up in my mind to be ideal.  On that note, I am attracting just the opposite of what I am looking for.  Ambitious becomes lazy, happy becomes sad, stable becomes chaotic, loving becomes jealousy, kind becomes selfish, and believer becomes nonbeliever.  How on earth can this person compliment my rollercoaster life much less break bread with me?  Forget about ride or die that becomes run for your life girl.  That is just what I have been doing, running for my life. 

I am now tired of searching, feeling disappointed, disconnected, and running for my life.  I am now forced to face my demons head on.  What I have found is my truth.  The truth is:

• People are not projects that require repair or even someone’s opinion of who they are.
• Either you accept someone for who they are or leave them alone.
• Each person has their own self work to do. Be respectful of their process.

With that said, my search is over.  As I sit here alone with my ideal ideas, I discovered that my ideal person was never lost.  Therefore, my searching was pointless.  As a matter of fact, I have had that person all along.  I have been running and searching everywhere for something that was in plain sight.  She is me and I am her, a woman who is willing to stand in her truth, submitting to personal growth, and spiritual maturity.  I challenge you to stand in your truth.

My Prince Charming

The worst thing that someone can do to another person is play with their mind.  This is the technique my abuser employed against me from early on in the relationship.  He targeted me because I was young, filled with naiveté, and had loose boundaries stemming from childhood traumas.  I was a successful professional, financially independent, and in a failing marriage.  He knew exactly what to say and what to do. Surprisingly, we shared the same interests, family views, long term goals, and childhood pains.  When we were together we were inseparable.  It was as though I was looking in the mirror.  Yes, he had flaws, but I was willing to work with him.  After all…I had my own personal issues, right? 

Before I knew it, I was love bombed, pregnant, and separated from my husband.  I found my prince charming and was ready to ride off into the sunset on our white stallion.  But there was one problem, my prince charming was hiding a big secret. He was not who had pretended to be.  As a matter of fact, he was the opposite of the person he had portrayed.  He was a monster.  He could not hold the fake persona together for very long.  As a matter of fact, when I announced that I was pregnant his mask fell off and what I saw was rather repulsive.  He congratulated me with a series of obscenities and total disconnect.  His response left me in a state of confusion.  What happened?  I could not comprehend. 

I spent the rest of our relationship searching for my prince charming.  But instead, my prince charming became the occasional house guest and the monster under the mask took over.  The monster under the mask had a field day with me.  His words and actions were always incongruent.  He would snare, “I love you.”  It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced.  The monster would hide my belongings and then assist me in searching for what he had hidden.  The strangest thing was that the monster always seemed to recover all “lost items.”  He would blame the children and I for misplacing things, such as my keys, my debit card, etc.  I thought I was going crazy for a long time.  I would repeatedly try to reassure myself by saying, “I know I’m not crazy! I know I’m not crazy!”  But the monster made it his point of duty to attempt to convince me that something was wrong with me and I was indeed losing my mind.  The monster under the mask made many empty promises and false commitments to our family.  In all of my naiveté, I held on hoping for change.  He was aggressive, possessive, and controlling.  I lived with the monster and his secret for many years and continued having children with him.  Whenever he was abusive he would apologize and become my prince charming once again.  Prince charming only hung around temporarily though, and the cycle of abuse repeated itself over and over again. 

In the very end, my prince charming had left for good, never to return.  The monster under the mask had taken over completely. The funny thing is…my perception of my prince charming had nothing to do with the monster under mask.  In the end, I realized that the beautiful prince charming that he had introduced me to was just a mirror image of ME!

The Power of Self Reflection

Self reflection is the precursor to personal growth.  It is easy to focus on objects outside of self.  However, taking time to examine oneself is very important.  By embracing your ability to self reflect, you take a winner's position.  Through self refection, you will discover new qualities you possess or even rejuvenate dormant characteristics which may propel your life onto a more fulfilling path.  

Your reality is the sum of your life experiences and your perspective on all matters.  If you're reading this blog you are on the right path to completely identifying and acknowledging the source of your strength.  This is where self reflection falls into place.  It helps strengthen your belief system, identify areas of concern, and promote positive thought processes.

Self reflection combined with positive affirmation is the recipe for a healthy mindset.  The next time you are in a situation, tap into your strength and use self reflection as a guide, add positive affirmations to help reinforce the source of your strength, you.

The following are some suggestions of positive self talk:

1.  I am happy that I tried even though the outcome is different than I expected.
2.  I am proud of my determination.
3.  I am proud of who I am.
4.  I can identify areas for improvement and I have the power to make changes.
5.  I am very powerful, not powerless.
6.  My efforts have a purpose.
7.  I have a purpose.

A Renewed Perspective

Life has many different views. It's okay to explore. -Monique

The idea of renewing your perspective requires a certain level of understanding and maturity.  You ask, "why is it necessary to renew my perspective?"  The answer is quite simple...to live a more tranquil life.  After all, there is always room for improvement.

We dream of a peaceful and tranquil life, so why not take the steps necessary to actually acquire our desires?  What is the barrier wedged between you and a peaceful life?  Are your dreams realistic?  What have you done thus far to transform your dreams into reality? 

You see...A renewed perspective takes the impossible and turns it into the possible.  It turns your dreams into reality.  It relieves you of stress and worry. It keeps you motivated, looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.  Renewing your perspective is necessary if you seek improvement in your overall quality of life.  It is time to get started with a renewed view, a renewed you, a more tranquil life. Here is a good place to start: What are some of your dreams or goals and what is preventing you from accomplishing them?